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June 13 Dora wasn't as convinced as I'd hoped that everything was all right yesterday. She approached me about it and I didn't even know what to say, being confronted about the fact that I don't talk to anyone. I tried to make her see that the way everyone reacts.. the way Keassi reacted, whenever I show any closeness to any one is exactly why I don't make a choice. She brought up Judy and told me someday I'd want to have a relationship with someone and I'd have to face that Judy wouldn't like it. I wish.. I wish I could be strong enough to face up to the fact that people will get hurt. But more than anything.. at that moment I wanted to tell her there already was someone. Instead, I ran away again. I couldn't face not doing what she wanted, and I couldn't cover up that I'd almost said something about my father. I wish she'd just let it go. Everyone has enough to worry about and I'll be fine. Perrin and Barclay have gone without warning, it's why she was upset last night. We should just focus on that, its more important. Instead she's got herself and reading back over this entry, it seems me as well, all tied up in dwelling on things that can't be fixed.   June 12 I guess I shouldn't have tried to examine that balcony I've suspected for so long has a secret passage behind it. I never even made it up onto it, it all fell apart long before then. Keassi and Dora (along with some quiet little first year Slytherin she called Cassius) found me climbing up there, and I should have come down instead of trying to show off. Really it's not like me anyway.. Anyway I upset both of the girls, and then to make matters worse found myself exactly where I didn't want to be, with both needing reassuring and any action I made towards one putting the other out. I made Dora cry. I'm disgusted with myself over.. all of it. I hurt them both, I acted like a selfish idiot in front of them. There has to be a way to balance it, to be around two people without one or (often both!) feeling like you prefer the other.. somehow.   June 5 Every time I pass Keassi Devry quietly doing library work, and always alone, I seem to have some excuse for why I can't approach her at that moment. I finally found the chance to speak with her, and discovered she's more painfully shy than I would have believed. She seems so fragile, it's sort of a frightening experience to even talk with her, I'm so afraid of upsetting her and it seems so easy to do. Underneath it all however, there's definitely someone I'd like to get to know better, and she seems to have the same thirst for knowledge I do. Her being wizard born and myself raised muggle, I think we could benefit so much from one another, if we could ever be comfortable together. And I'm not sure she's going to give up on calling me Gabriel, which of course is going to make issues with everyone else, but the problem is I don't know what to do about it. She also said something that almost suggested... there is something deeper behind her shyness, something that happened. But I don't know her well enough to pry yet.   June 2 I caught up with Clearwater today, and it was.. quite an experience. He’s truly engaging to be around. There aren’t enough people here who understand the value of a smile. I think I was being a bit silly in my fears for him, (perhaps projecting? for shame Gabriel!) as he seemed genuinely all right with... most everything. We actually spent most of our talk just discussing muggle entertainment (once he finished giving a umm.. little show in the Great Hall). He recommended I see something called “The Rocky Horror Picture Show�Ewhich is apparently what the song and quite.. showy.. dance came from. It seems even in the muggle world there are a lot of things my small town upbringing didn’t expose me to!   May 27 Dora caught up with me in the Library today. She explained what the strange tension in the air last night had been. Apparently Tavarius is a friend of her uncle’s. I still wonder if everyone’s is being a bit overzealous to condemn not only Tavarius for his association, but Mister Malfoy himself for the rumors. Dora however seems to believe her uncle is capable of being a Death Eater, whether or not he actually is, and I suppose in such cases if there is the will, whether he’s had opportunity or not is rather moot. I need to be more careful around her. The more I get to know her, see her as a whole including the vulnerability whereas before, I can only describe it as a sort of idolization.. the more I feel at risk of treating her and everyone else I know unfairly.   May 26 I should go to the Three Broomsticks more often. It proved to be a more rewarding (and yet at the same time vexing) night than I could ever have imagined. I’d never spoken with Billy Monaghan before, though his reputation for pranks and exuberance preceded him, and I must say he lived up to it. Dragging his housemate Misery Rayne into an amusing (albeit short lived due to Madame Rosemerta’s dislike of the interruption) dance through the pub. That girl I think is almost as in need of someone to show her the world is something to enjoy as Judy. I’m glad she at least joined us for a short while and that Billy seemed to be on my side in the issue. The Gryffindors no sooner departed than their places at the table were taken by Everwood, Kavan, Dora.. and interestingly Lieko Inoue. I’d never spoken with Everwood before though he’s a part of my own house and Dora’s Ravenclaw circle, but I must say he’s something lacking in social graces. I got the solid impression I was the only one missing a crucial bit of information as all of the sudden talk of April Z. Fool turned to Professor Tavarius, and before I knew it both Lieko and Dora were trying to leave and all in all the scene had turned quite unhappy. No one would tell me anything and everyone’s giving into their impulse to retreat was a little frustrating. I nearly found myself having to chose between chasing down Dora or Lieko. But what I found most interesting.. was that it would have been Lieko I followed. Dora after all has my housemates, many people really, there for her. It’s selfish on many counts to try to be another one of them, when Lieko seems to be in a feud with the only friend she has.   May 19 I met at various times in the library today with different classmates to work on our D.A.T.D.A. assignment from yesterday. But the session that I remember most vividly was with Ginny Weasley. We of course knew eachother a little, being in many of the same classes for years now. But her perspective on things, given that she’s been near the heart of some of the school’s strangest happenings in previous years was fascinating. We seemed to have a good deal to talk about coming respectively from such wholly magical and wholly mundane backgrounds. She also told me she wants to be an auror. And while I think she over-estimates how much she feels like she doesn’t fit in (everyone I know feels that way), given what she’s been through.. who knows maybe it’s a good choice for her. But as I told her.. it seems like there’s an awful lot of one’s heart you’d have to lock away to do that. I wouldn’t want to live in the realm of Professor Morgan’s gray areas, that’s for sure.   May 18 We had a surprising guest speaker in Defense Against the Dark Arts today: Arthur Clearwater. I didn’t know he’d lost his father to a dark wizard, but then I don’t really know him that well at all being another house and year. Except that I admire his cheerful nature all the more. It set me to having this sudden irrational fear of losing my father. What if the cold awkward words we exchanged too long ago are the last ones we ever shared? I want to believe we can fix things between us somehow, someday so the idea of losing that chance is something I don’t even want to think about. The lesson was supposed to be a recount of Cadara the Dark, who interestingly enough used to be a doctor. But it ended up being more about “gray areas�Eand the fact the only way he was defeated was by using his own curse as blocking mechanism. It just sounds an awful lot like “the ends justify the means�E The Bible says to do kindness to your enemy, so I have trouble with the idea of fighting evil with evil. At any rate we’re going to have a quiz on this all next class, so I’m going to study with some other students later. I can’t be the only one who’d like to talk about the issues this raised in my mind.   May 5 I had two girls crying on me in one day, and nice as it is to know they're that comfortable with me, I just have to hope there's not something about the sight of me which brings people to tears? I waited for Dora last night, and she was thankfully unharmed after her outing with Basil. But she also seemed to have been swayed by a kindness of his that I have my doubts was very selfless. However glad I am if he could have helped her overcome her fear of singing in public (and feeling a bit inadequate that this bully could do something for her we've been unable to), I think he knew exactly what he was doing. That she'd come back as she did, and say she didn't want to side against him. I told her she didn't have to choose, but mine remains unchanged. As much as I hope she can get through to him, it seems unlikely she will before he hurts someone else.   May 4 Today was the day.. Dora met Basil in Hogsmeade. I ran into Judy today before heading out, where else but playing the piano in the Mirrored Classroom. It was the first time I'd heard her play, and it was everything her reputation lead me to believe it should be. It was nice to turn the tables on her for a few minutes and watch the little girl who is so often watching me. She finally picked what she'd like to be called. Mainly she talked about herself, and a family background which is surprisingly close to mine. I think the good cry was just what she needed.. along with the offer to join us on Sundays.   April 30 Dora tells me she is going to Hogsmeade with Basil, hopefully he's under no more illusion it's a "date" than she is. He gave her a chance to get to know him better, try and understand why he does what he does and try to talk to him. I don't like it; I don't like sending her to be alone with him, even though I know its silly to think I could protect her better than she could herself. But I can't help but worry a little he has no intention of wanting to be listened to and is just using her kindness. Not that I would ever tell her she shouldn't go, which she seemed worried of. She sees it the same way I do, we can't ignore the possibility there is a way to solve this without only making everyone hate eachother more. So I'll just hang around Hogsmeade waiting for a signal and worry.   April 19 The Masquerade Ball at the Dershwire Mansion was indeed something not to be missed, though not at all for the reasons I would have thought. Devin seemed as uncomfortable ass I feared he might be, but I'm still hoping years from now he'll look back and be glad he went. The same goes for Angleton, and of course Vandeveer was pleasant company, and we danced a bit. I did so with several nice girls actually. But what no one could have predicted was that some sort of strange moving pictures began to make some kind of show Jubilation Dershwire's fight with Ondovir.. and then got interrupted by a ghost. Her ghost? Telling someone not to use the Wand of Illumination (whatever that is) for evil. But who was she talking to? What did they do? Who started the display and who stopped it? And why? And.. is it even any of my business? I stayed even after, late into the night really. And I'm glad I did as I found Dora looking the desolate angel where her boyfriend had apparently never come to meet her. I actually hadn't even been aware she had one, but he's apparently in Hufflepuff, which is why I don't see him more. I just don't understand how someone who actually meets her standards could not spend enough time with her that I'd at least seen them together (unless she's trying to hide it and just chose to tell me?), and could both miss the opportunity to have been there with her.. and let her down? But she let me dance a dance with her. It warrants writing again, because I'll certainly always remember it. I got to dance with Dora Malfoy.   April 16 I went to talk to Atherton today, and found him talking to, of all people, Dora Malfoy. It quickly became evident that Basil Lockheart was the real culprit, using Atherton's name instead of his own when he talked to Devin. Atherton ran down a whole list of other transgressions I wasn't even aware of, leaving none of us with any question that he has to be stopped. So.. we formed an alliance, "of trust and friendship". It's strange for me, to feel a part of something with two people, both of whom I've thought in very different ways were out of my league. Gryffindors.. possessed of a house boldness I am lacking, and something I have admired in both of them. While they are two of the first people I would have ever picked to call friends if I started actually making them, they're a couple of the last I would have ever expected would want to be mine. Charlie left after that, but Dora and I talked a little while longer, and it was incredibly pleasant to be around her, someone whose strength shines so brightly I've hardly been able to take my eyes off her whenever she's nearby. She seems like the disapproval of her family rolls right off of her.. though she confessed she has a lot of fears and it seems almost hard to believe. She also gave me the pleasure of singing Amazing Grace with her. I really am looking forward to seeing her in the play.   April 15 I became more certain than ever that Angleton and Devin have a lot in common, watching them together. My housemates agreed Devin could come with us to the masquerade. I feel I’ve failed Devin though as I almost didn’t notice that he wasn’t talking, attributing it to his shyness. I’ve been too wrapped up lately in trying to sort out my issues with my faith. Apparently Charlie Atherton convinced him he’d placed a curse on him that would kill anyone Devin spoke to. While I dissuaded him of this, I still don’t understand why Atherton would suddenly start picking on people when he is usually about doing the right thing, or why he’d want to set Devin against Kimberly Knightdale, who last I knew Atherton was trying to help into the musical. I’ll have to talk to him.. if nothing else to get Devin’s Transfigurations book back.   April 8 ... I think that is an appropriate expression of my current mood. I guess I'm having my first crisis of faith. Devin told me he likes me as more than just a friend. While I know I don't feel the same.. there are other things I don't know. Is it okay for me to be okay with this? I just don't have the inclination to hate my friend for feelings he has that don't hurt anyone. But should I? My religion speaks against this doesn't it? I know some Christians who condemn it and some who don't. So what do I do when the thing I guide my life by provides no clear answers? I've done the only thing I can when my religion had no answers and looked to my own heart, which tells me it's okay. And yet I am second guessing. And amidst all my confusion the thought that keeps recurring to me is that I miss my father. I'm sure this is something he would have offered me guidance on if we still spoke much anymore. But he gave up hope on ministering to me, even if I still wanted to hear his word, as soon as I accepted the letter for Hogwarts. I miss that guidance.. but it has reminded me how much I miss him treating me like his son.   April 5 I need to talk to Vanderville and Angleton about the masquerade and see how they would feel about Devin attending with us. I don’t see any real problems with it, and he and Angleton might find something in common in their general tendencies to stay out of the social light.   April 3 Devin took hearing that O’Malley would be coming to pray with us Sunday mornings better than I had expected. He’s so shy I was worried the presence of more people there might upset him, but he seemed to understand that services like the one we hold are meant to be shared. He only asked me if O’Malley would be joining us more other times, and seemed placated that he wouldn’t. (Head Boy is a busy job after all.) Devin is so funny, like a possessive younger brother or something. Which is all the more amusing for the fact that he is older than myself.   April 2 I look back and I am still not sure how I ended up going to the upcoming masquerade in Hogsmeade. But I am.. with two people no less. It’s not a date so much as a group of friends.. or housemates in our case. Chris Angleton, Meredith Vanderville, and myself. But if it gets them, especially Angleton (who without prodding I’m certain would miss the event) to go, I’m happy to oblige. Though I think I may have to let April Fool make my costume.. which given how she decks herself on normal days is a slightly frightening thought.   March 25 I spoke with Naomi Kavan today. It was my first time talking to one of the well known Terrible Two. I really didn’t want to intrude but I’ve been worried about Dora Malfoy ever since the last time we ran into eachother, and its really not my place to ask if she’s all right. I get the impression she and Kavan are friends, so it is hers. And.. I think it would be good for Kavan, who even moreso than her partner in crime strikes me as someone everyone knows of.. but hardly anyone knows. I don’t think it’s good for her to have to handle something like this.

~*Melody Lestrange*~ | ~Gabriel Archer~ | ~Lucius Malfoy~ | *Kimmy Knightdale* | -Jacob Wrathorne- | #Professor Meridian#